Confused about life

Hello old friend,

I am back with my problems where I don't know what to do. I am so confused about my career. I am so confused about what I want to do with my life. I remember my career journey presentation that I made 5-6 years back, where I thought that I will be an RBI grade B office by the age of 23. But I did not study, it did not feel worth it, not because it wasn't but because I was tired of thinking about it without taking any action. I am 25 years old or in almost 6 months I will be 26 years old. What I really want for myself is to be in a job that I will like if not love. I am not behind money, but I do want to be good at what I do and what I am currently doing is not something that I want to be good at. I don't know what exactly I want to do but I want to feel one of the three things atleast, (i) feeling of helping someone, (ii) work life balance to actually have a life, (iii) job where I feel confident. I am not too hell bound on which sector or area, but I feel trapped, by unsaid expectations. I have assumed and imposed on myself and it feels really difficult to get out of them. What I desperately need at this moment is a restart, I want to leave my job, take a gap year or maybe do a course or just prepare for some exams, but I need to get out of this job. Current goal that I have in my mind right now is to have it figured out by the time I am 28. So, what I keep imagining is myself at 28, being REALLY good and confident at my job and not feeling the monday anxiety or jitters. I do not feel any kind of job satisfaction at the end of the day. I do not feel that I helped anybody, rather it feels like a scam, not adding any value but showing that I did. All the ways feel too much time taking and long, and without any immediate rewards it feels difficult to stick to them. I want to for once stick to a plan. I have really forgotten how to do that. I cannot remember last time I decided something and followed through.

Today i behaved in a way i thought i will not behave. I felt sad and crying. I got irritated by questions such as why are you so quiet or sad or irritated? Because i did not want to answer those questions. And to be honest i did not understand myself. But then i got a little closer to the answers. I had expectations and that was the problem. Expectations of being a friend who cannot be replaced, or a friend who is enough. Then i realized that earlier i did not have those expectations. It was all detachment. I did not care if somebody tells me something or not, if they are keeping a secret from me, even in front of me. I did not care. I was okay with what i was doing. I was doing my work and if somebody told that was okay. But now i have started caring. Earlier i did not feel entitled, now i do not like when my friends treat me a little like i am replaceable, that ofcourse they have other options. I am feeling bad because I feel i am not enough or important enough. I am nobody’s priority. Literally nobody’s. Not for the people/project i work for. Not for my friends. Not for my family. And that is probably the reason of me feeling low. I need to stop expecting and stop giving selflessly. I think i was irritated also because i realised i help my friends a lot. I am feeling taken for granted.

 Today was my managers last day and we went to dinner. We were thinking of ordering and i said my friend will order for me because he is a vegetarian. So i thought since we are here in a group we would be ordering dishes that can be shared everybody just like everytime. So i was chill. But he ordered something that was not a shareable dish and i dont have any problem with that but then gave order snd forgot me. And this was not a big deal. No big deal at all.  Really my logical mind is saying that this really okay. But i dont know why i felt like crying. Tears were just on the verge on the coming and i dont know how i just kept myself together. I am alone. I dont have anybody to talk to when i come home nobody to share anything. And that just hit me so hard that nobody is thinking about me. But i will never tell this to anyone as i dont like conflicts i am afraid i will lose and wont be able to live with myself.

Is there something wring with me? There is something wrong with me. Why can’t anybody like me? Why can’t i like anybody. It is different when you and your friends are single, but when you see everyone finding someone except, you think there must be something wrong with me.  Am i not beautiful enough? Intelligent enough? Kind enough? I don’t think I am enough. Love.

Why is everything about love. Poems books music films stories everywhere people are in love.

Proud of myself

 I am proud of myself. Today I completed 21 days of yoga practice. I did yoga consistently for 21 days. I am so proud of myself and when I look back I really feel it to be a goal that is deserving of pride. I hope to continue doing this.

I hate myself right now

 i hate myself right now. i feel like i am nothing. there are no values. i am a food waster. a few months back, i didn't waste food, i ate what i put in my plate, now i don't eat all in my plate, i don't like it. i hate myself even more because i don't want to be that and i try but i am not able to. i feel helpless. i hate myself because i still can't love myself, i can't accept myself. i feel complex for my height. i feel the guilt of not being able to play cricket. i took part in noth cricket league, i don't know how to play. i can't even ask god to help me, because i am a food waster, and he/she does not like people who waste food. i hate myself, because i am not fit enough, or beautiful enough, i am not a good daughter. i feel so bad, when i see other people my mom's age or even older living a happy life, while she is struggling with arthritis, she don't deserve this. and i can't even do anything to help her. i could go home and help her but that would fuck my mental health and then she and i both would be miserable. i hate myself because i feel i have things in control, but in reality i don't have anything under my control, i just pretend, even when something slightly goes off track, i get messed up, my mental health to my physical health. i am not god's favorite child, that i know, and i don't know how to finish this sentence. i think i will go tomorrow to play the second day of the match and maybe i will play also, and how bad can i be right, i think a lot bad, but its okay, if i won't go i will know something happening is happening out there and i am not part of it. i am just so confused. i should talk positive to me. I will go tomorrow and i will give my best. God is with me. I will go and have fun tomorrow.

today is sunday

 Today is sunday and i want to write. but as usual i don't know what i should write about. things that i want to improve, i 

 I am hurting, and i am made to believe that it is unreasonable, but i am just hurting a lot, a lot. i am crying, it takes only one day for my family to break me. i feel the loss of a father even after him being alive. i don't feel he is there for me. i don't feel a protection of a father.

partner i don't want

 when someone asks me what kind of boys i like, or what is my "type", i genuinely don't have an answer, because all the boys that i have been attracted to ever, "mostly fictional" were random, like you just like them and they may necessarily not be the same. but of course there are some types of boys or personalities which i wouldn't want as my partner. and one of them i realised today.

so i was reading "and the mountains echoed" by "khaled hosseini", and there is a character in it, called "idris", so he fled afghanistan when he was 14, due to wars and got settled in us. and after 20 or so, he came back to afghanistan with his cousin "timur" to reclaim their house. i thought he had an inferiority complex from timur. in afghanistan, he visits a hospital where there is a little girl "roshi", with serious injury on her head, her uncle hit her with an axe, so he visits her daily while he is there and roshi also gets so attached to him. while leaving he promised her and the nurse "amra", that he would get the operations she needs to be done, even if he has to pay from his pocket, but he is a weak man. after he goes back, he slowly gets back to his old life, he at first talks to his chief about roshi, and replies to amra's emails, but then when the chief refuses to help, he is relieved and then he deletes amra's emails even without reading. so after a few years, he is in a bookstore, holding a book, written by roshi with her picture he thinks that she looks normal without any sign of injury, but more than that he is afraid that she must have mentioned him in his book and all his family and social circle will know what he did to her, how he abandoned her. and at the book signing, she wrote "don't worry, you are not in it", and he just leaves the book there.

so i don't want a weak man in my life, who can't keep his promises, who is a coward and a hypocrite.

I am going reverse

After my Goa trip, I became a changed person. I was happy for the first time in my life. I changed a lot. I was calm and happy. I didn't keep any expectations from anyone. My work life was going great. I really was happy and content. You know before my convocation, on the day I was leaving for Chandigarh, my saree got burnt and I didn't even for one second got panic or angry or sad. I just thought that I will figure something out, because for me graduation and meeting my friends was more important than anything else or what I wear. And I felt in that time period when I was actually happy that universe was reciprocating it. Good things were happening to me. My bond with my friends got stronger. I started judging myself and other people around me less.

But now, i feel like i am going back to who i was before. taking stress and you  know that fucked up state of mind. i don't know what to change or how to be happy again.

i know it's not the same anymore.

god please help me. please.

Losing myself

 I have lost myself over the years and not on a good way.

I was going through the screenshots on my phone and I liked them and I don't take them anymore.

Not like that atleast

I liked my past self better

I am losing everything I liked about me

a lost rubberband

 today i lost a rubberband. and suddenly it made me panic. it made me think of all the things that slipping like sand from my hands, going away from me every second. everything that i wanted to do and didn't do. the rubberband is the symbol of my incompetence and carelessness.

today i feel like writing

 i opened goodreads to rate the book "better than the movies", then i stumbled upon "the catcher in the rye" and i just wanted to re-read my review and other people's opinions of it, so i starting reading them. the thing about me is that inherently i am a negative person, a pessimist, so whenever there is a movie or book that i dislike, i go and read 1 or 2 star reviews and feel happy that people have given words to my feelings towards that piece of entertainment. so i started reading the reviews, but i felt bad when i read people giving such negative comments for "the catcher in the rye", it's not like i am in awe of this book, it's just that i don't have problem with the low rating but i don't like the harsh and insulting comments. people are just raging on Holden, and idk why but it feels like Holden is real and he don't deserve criticism from people, he is just a kid.

LOVE

i think there are two types of romantic love, one to die for, the poetic, unattainable love. and the love you live with, the sensible and realistic love, which has an expiry date.

i FEEL ANGER THEN GUILT

i feel a lot of anger inside me. i feel angry at my parents, at colleagues, at "friends", at people in general. i don't feel like this all the time, but at times, when i have to deal with the results of their doings, i feel angry when they think it is my fault, when they don't listen to what i say, when they pass a sarcastic comment, when they copy me, when they make feel used, when they behave in a selfish manner.

i regret doing things that i did in the past because i was a dedicated employee, because i was TRYING to be a good daughter, a good friend.

now, i don't want any interference, i don't want to make any friends, any relationships. i don't want to be a great employee. i just want to give my 200% for my dream job. after that i think that AT LEAST from career perspective i will be happy or satisfied.

i want to be at peace while preparing, i don't want minor things to ruin my balance. i want to be peace.

i will be an RBI GRADE B officer in 2024.

the choices that i have made

 ‘It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.’ - Dumbledore

Yes, I had to search the internet for the above quote, even though I knew what I wanted to put here, I didn't remember the exact quote, which is also a consequence of my choices.

So, today i was thinking that i really liked to read and write. i liked to read about poetry devices and i was only one in my class who knew the meaning of oxymoron, because i liked english and hindi. i liked stories and poems and how writing was the only passion that i had. this was only thing which helped me calm myself, or feel good when i was not feeling good. Then what happened, i am sure, but i think i thought that writing can be a hobby, or even a part time career, so i can do it later, and should now focus on securing my future. one think i a sure of is that i can be a good writer, i can practice and learn and actually be a decent writer. but the choices that i have made for myself are quite different and does not lead for me to become that. 

mai kya kar rahi hu? mai kya karna chahti hu?

 aaj 22 april hai. aur mai aaj soch rahi hu ki mai apni zindagi mei kya kar rahi hu. mai ek job kar rahi hu, jisme mai normally tension or stress feel karti hu, mujhe laga tha mai khud ko prove kar chuki hu, lekin abhi bhi jab koi aisa challenge aata hai jo mujhe ek second mei hal hota hua nhi dikhta to mai dar jati hu aur sochti hu ki ab aisa lagega ki mai incompetent hu. mai impress karna chahti hu logo ko. lekin is chakkar mei mai apni life k main goal se door ho rahi hu. ye job maine ti thi for the time being, lekin is mei se time nikalana hi mushkil lag raha hai. kya mai writer banna chahti hu, kya mai rbi gr b officer banna chahti hu, kya mai bookstore kholna chahti hu, ya phir ghar baith k tuitions padhana chahti hu. mai samajh nhi pa rahi, sach mei nhi samajh pa rahi. lekin ye waqt mere samajhne tak rukega nhi.

My Struggles with ocd. another draft from 30 june 21

 Whenever I heard the word OCD, I used to think that the person who suffers from it keep all things clean and they can't stand the disorganization of anything. So, that was my perception and when my brother found out that he has OCD, I used to say he don't actually have it, he just make excuses because he wasn't keeping everything squeaky clean even though he went to a doctor and than he found out that he has it. 

And the irony of the whole situation was that all this time I was also suffering from it but didn't know. So, you can see the level of ignorance that our society has for mental health. 

I used to feel the compulsions to do something in a particular way to stop something terrible from happening to me or my family. And it was increasing everyday. 

Draft from I don't remember when, - oh here is the date 7th november 21

 I think I have reached a point in my life where I have formed this little circle with all the imaginary characters from my favourite movies, series and books. And there isn't enough space in it and I just can't watch any new thing because i cant take it.

Shashhi throor in the chapter seems too biased, like 

As a person who didn't have any inclination towards any political party and considering Dr. Tharoor as a very intelligent person(which he actually is ) , I expected to get a  clear view on things and my expectations from this book was that It will be a good entry point in to political knowledge of my country and i expecgted it to be a unbiased text but Dr.tharoor cleared it on the very first page that he cannot pretend to be unbiased

It was only when i was reading a chapter about eth treatment of minorities which according to tharoor ( who has filled this book with facts and numbers for that he claims that these can't lie), that i was awestruck wiht the biasness of him. He portrayed the muslims which he considers as minorities even though their population is........... that they are some very oppressed and tortured community in india and I just couldn't help but get angry because this country has muslims showing their mettle in every field from acting to being the presiden of india i dpn't think theat thet are oppresse.

There are poeole from all the communities or i shold viruses which make the peoce of country 

This feeling to change life, but not knowing where to start.

 I was feeling miserable, kind of still am, and I tried to sleep in the afternoon. When I woke up, not because I wanted to but because in my house, you just cannot sleep if other people are also not sleeping because of their collective decision to make as many sounds as possible. Okay, so coming to the point, I was still in bed and stared scrolling instagram and suddenly this reel came on my feed from Taylor Rosen, his bio said he is an actor, film maker, writer and a reader, and the recommendation was about 3 movies which we should watch if we are feeling lost in our 20s. I saved the reel just in case you know, and then instead of scrolling down I thought of checking out his profile and scrolled through his profile and realized he is sooooooooooo good looking. So I followed him. The way he talked about books, and movies made me want to be like him. To give myself a makeover. Generally this feeling is a result of watching a movie where a teenage college/school going girl is the or one of the main characters and has her own cute little room and is nicely you know aware about herself (like is beautiful, the hair, the skin, the talents) and this feeling makes me want to be beautiful and the best part is this feeling is not about how I look, but how I take care of what I already have to be like that. And right now also, it again ignited in me that feeling where I read books and actually understand them.

nobody cares

 I was depressed, sad, frustrated, not being able to breathe, confused, nauseated, unhappy to my core, tired, sleepy, and wanted to escape (not knowing from what and to where) and I opened instagram. I saw people there my college mates, in different states, wherever they may be working, living. Now, i know instagram is not the best way to judge the reality but still, they were happy, atleast in the moment they posted they were happy. and i realized that nobody cares about me. they don't care that i am struggling mentally right now but down the line probably 5 yrs, we both are going to be judged assuming that we both had same life. I will be compared, or I will myself compare and think do i really deserve this, but this additional struggle is making me difficult to even survive. I remember the quote of Kafka, that really explains what I want to say

“I am not well; I could have built the Pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life and reason.” ― Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice‎ Read more quotes from Franz Kafka

is exactly how i feel. And I know that I should start working for me, on me and don't think about others, but I don't have the strength to even think about it.