I woke up today and I felt like I have something very important to do, like I just slept in the middle of doing something and now I am late. Then I just told myself that it is not true, it is okay but it sure did not feel like it. My days have been like this lately and I am sick and tired of it. Then I did one thing which made me cry, I went on instagram and watched the profiles of people who are enjoying their life and made myself feel like shit and then I actually cried. I am feeling too low and lethargic and I don't want to kill myself, I want to live, I want to ACTUALLY feel alive and not just go through the days. I am too afraid to try new things, to get hurt.
On my birthday, I promised myself that I will change but I haven't and this freaking OCD is taking a toll on me. And the worst part is that I KNOW that I CAN CONTROL IT. And I hate myself even more because it seems like I don't want to, you know, that I like when I torture myself like this.
I think the worst part is that I know I am worth nothing, so I don't even try.
