Confused about life

Hello old friend,

I am back with my problems where I don't know what to do. I am so confused about my career. I am so confused about what I want to do with my life. I remember my career journey presentation that I made 5-6 years back, where I thought that I will be an RBI grade B office by the age of 23. But I did not study, it did not feel worth it, not because it wasn't but because I was tired of thinking about it without taking any action. I am 25 years old or in almost 6 months I will be 26 years old. What I really want for myself is to be in a job that I will like if not love. I am not behind money, but I do want to be good at what I do and what I am currently doing is not something that I want to be good at. I don't know what exactly I want to do but I want to feel one of the three things atleast, (i) feeling of helping someone, (ii) work life balance to actually have a life, (iii) job where I feel confident. I am not too hell bound on which sector or area, but I feel trapped, by unsaid expectations. I have assumed and imposed on myself and it feels really difficult to get out of them. What I desperately need at this moment is a restart, I want to leave my job, take a gap year or maybe do a course or just prepare for some exams, but I need to get out of this job. Current goal that I have in my mind right now is to have it figured out by the time I am 28. So, what I keep imagining is myself at 28, being REALLY good and confident at my job and not feeling the monday anxiety or jitters. I do not feel any kind of job satisfaction at the end of the day. I do not feel that I helped anybody, rather it feels like a scam, not adding any value but showing that I did. All the ways feel too much time taking and long, and without any immediate rewards it feels difficult to stick to them. I want to for once stick to a plan. I have really forgotten how to do that. I cannot remember last time I decided something and followed through.

Today i behaved in a way i thought i will not behave. I felt sad and crying. I got irritated by questions such as why are you so quiet or sad or irritated? Because i did not want to answer those questions. And to be honest i did not understand myself. But then i got a little closer to the answers. I had expectations and that was the problem. Expectations of being a friend who cannot be replaced, or a friend who is enough. Then i realized that earlier i did not have those expectations. It was all detachment. I did not care if somebody tells me something or not, if they are keeping a secret from me, even in front of me. I did not care. I was okay with what i was doing. I was doing my work and if somebody told that was okay. But now i have started caring. Earlier i did not feel entitled, now i do not like when my friends treat me a little like i am replaceable, that ofcourse they have other options. I am feeling bad because I feel i am not enough or important enough. I am nobody’s priority. Literally nobody’s. Not for the people/project i work for. Not for my friends. Not for my family. And that is probably the reason of me feeling low. I need to stop expecting and stop giving selflessly. I think i was irritated also because i realised i help my friends a lot. I am feeling taken for granted.

 Today was my managers last day and we went to dinner. We were thinking of ordering and i said my friend will order for me because he is a vegetarian. So i thought since we are here in a group we would be ordering dishes that can be shared everybody just like everytime. So i was chill. But he ordered something that was not a shareable dish and i dont have any problem with that but then gave order snd forgot me. And this was not a big deal. No big deal at all.  Really my logical mind is saying that this really okay. But i dont know why i felt like crying. Tears were just on the verge on the coming and i dont know how i just kept myself together. I am alone. I dont have anybody to talk to when i come home nobody to share anything. And that just hit me so hard that nobody is thinking about me. But i will never tell this to anyone as i dont like conflicts i am afraid i will lose and wont be able to live with myself.

Is there something wring with me? There is something wrong with me. Why can’t anybody like me? Why can’t i like anybody. It is different when you and your friends are single, but when you see everyone finding someone except, you think there must be something wrong with me.  Am i not beautiful enough? Intelligent enough? Kind enough? I don’t think I am enough. Love.

Why is everything about love. Poems books music films stories everywhere people are in love.

Proud of myself

 I am proud of myself. Today I completed 21 days of yoga practice. I did yoga consistently for 21 days. I am so proud of myself and when I look back I really feel it to be a goal that is deserving of pride. I hope to continue doing this.

I hate myself right now

 i hate myself right now. i feel like i am nothing. there are no values. i am a food waster. a few months back, i didn't waste food, i ate what i put in my plate, now i don't eat all in my plate, i don't like it. i hate myself even more because i don't want to be that and i try but i am not able to. i feel helpless. i hate myself because i still can't love myself, i can't accept myself. i feel complex for my height. i feel the guilt of not being able to play cricket. i took part in noth cricket league, i don't know how to play. i can't even ask god to help me, because i am a food waster, and he/she does not like people who waste food. i hate myself, because i am not fit enough, or beautiful enough, i am not a good daughter. i feel so bad, when i see other people my mom's age or even older living a happy life, while she is struggling with arthritis, she don't deserve this. and i can't even do anything to help her. i could go home and help her but that would fuck my mental health and then she and i both would be miserable. i hate myself because i feel i have things in control, but in reality i don't have anything under my control, i just pretend, even when something slightly goes off track, i get messed up, my mental health to my physical health. i am not god's favorite child, that i know, and i don't know how to finish this sentence. i think i will go tomorrow to play the second day of the match and maybe i will play also, and how bad can i be right, i think a lot bad, but its okay, if i won't go i will know something happening is happening out there and i am not part of it. i am just so confused. i should talk positive to me. I will go tomorrow and i will give my best. God is with me. I will go and have fun tomorrow.

today is sunday

 Today is sunday and i want to write. but as usual i don't know what i should write about. things that i want to improve, i