mai kya kar rahi hu? mai kya karna chahti hu?

 aaj 22 april hai. aur mai aaj soch rahi hu ki mai apni zindagi mei kya kar rahi hu. mai ek job kar rahi hu, jisme mai normally tension or stress feel karti hu, mujhe laga tha mai khud ko prove kar chuki hu, lekin abhi bhi jab koi aisa challenge aata hai jo mujhe ek second mei hal hota hua nhi dikhta to mai dar jati hu aur sochti hu ki ab aisa lagega ki mai incompetent hu. mai impress karna chahti hu logo ko. lekin is chakkar mei mai apni life k main goal se door ho rahi hu. ye job maine ti thi for the time being, lekin is mei se time nikalana hi mushkil lag raha hai. kya mai writer banna chahti hu, kya mai rbi gr b officer banna chahti hu, kya mai bookstore kholna chahti hu, ya phir ghar baith k tuitions padhana chahti hu. mai samajh nhi pa rahi, sach mei nhi samajh pa rahi. lekin ye waqt mere samajhne tak rukega nhi.

My Struggles with ocd. another draft from 30 june 21

 Whenever I heard the word OCD, I used to think that the person who suffers from it keep all things clean and they can't stand the disorganization of anything. So, that was my perception and when my brother found out that he has OCD, I used to say he don't actually have it, he just make excuses because he wasn't keeping everything squeaky clean even though he went to a doctor and than he found out that he has it. 

And the irony of the whole situation was that all this time I was also suffering from it but didn't know. So, you can see the level of ignorance that our society has for mental health. 

I used to feel the compulsions to do something in a particular way to stop something terrible from happening to me or my family. And it was increasing everyday. 

Draft from I don't remember when, - oh here is the date 7th november 21

 I think I have reached a point in my life where I have formed this little circle with all the imaginary characters from my favourite movies, series and books. And there isn't enough space in it and I just can't watch any new thing because i cant take it.

Shashhi throor in the chapter seems too biased, like 

As a person who didn't have any inclination towards any political party and considering Dr. Tharoor as a very intelligent person(which he actually is ) , I expected to get a  clear view on things and my expectations from this book was that It will be a good entry point in to political knowledge of my country and i expecgted it to be a unbiased text but Dr.tharoor cleared it on the very first page that he cannot pretend to be unbiased

It was only when i was reading a chapter about eth treatment of minorities which according to tharoor ( who has filled this book with facts and numbers for that he claims that these can't lie), that i was awestruck wiht the biasness of him. He portrayed the muslims which he considers as minorities even though their population is........... that they are some very oppressed and tortured community in india and I just couldn't help but get angry because this country has muslims showing their mettle in every field from acting to being the presiden of india i dpn't think theat thet are oppresse.

There are poeole from all the communities or i shold viruses which make the peoce of country 

This feeling to change life, but not knowing where to start.

 I was feeling miserable, kind of still am, and I tried to sleep in the afternoon. When I woke up, not because I wanted to but because in my house, you just cannot sleep if other people are also not sleeping because of their collective decision to make as many sounds as possible. Okay, so coming to the point, I was still in bed and stared scrolling instagram and suddenly this reel came on my feed from Taylor Rosen, his bio said he is an actor, film maker, writer and a reader, and the recommendation was about 3 movies which we should watch if we are feeling lost in our 20s. I saved the reel just in case you know, and then instead of scrolling down I thought of checking out his profile and scrolled through his profile and realized he is sooooooooooo good looking. So I followed him. The way he talked about books, and movies made me want to be like him. To give myself a makeover. Generally this feeling is a result of watching a movie where a teenage college/school going girl is the or one of the main characters and has her own cute little room and is nicely you know aware about herself (like is beautiful, the hair, the skin, the talents) and this feeling makes me want to be beautiful and the best part is this feeling is not about how I look, but how I take care of what I already have to be like that. And right now also, it again ignited in me that feeling where I read books and actually understand them.

nobody cares

 I was depressed, sad, frustrated, not being able to breathe, confused, nauseated, unhappy to my core, tired, sleepy, and wanted to escape (not knowing from what and to where) and I opened instagram. I saw people there my college mates, in different states, wherever they may be working, living. Now, i know instagram is not the best way to judge the reality but still, they were happy, atleast in the moment they posted they were happy. and i realized that nobody cares about me. they don't care that i am struggling mentally right now but down the line probably 5 yrs, we both are going to be judged assuming that we both had same life. I will be compared, or I will myself compare and think do i really deserve this, but this additional struggle is making me difficult to even survive. I remember the quote of Kafka, that really explains what I want to say

“I am not well; I could have built the Pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life and reason.” ― Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice‎ Read more quotes from Franz Kafka

is exactly how i feel. And I know that I should start working for me, on me and don't think about others, but I don't have the strength to even think about it.

Life is passing me by and am i gonna let it do that to me

 why do i think that i only have one chance, why do i not believe in life, and why do i everytime let go of something extraordinary (mostly an opportunity, because having a romantic relationship is probably not my destiny) for something that i didn't even want in the first place. I have always wanted to do things my way, but i neveer do. I have been so tense about my job lately that i didn't even realize that i didn't want to do it in the first place. I need to understand that it is not the end of the world. I have been trying a lot of ways or maybe not to cope with the stress and negativity and then today i realized that this is not something i love, and because of this i didn't give time to things i actually love or atleast like. I admit that harmonica and skating and french i didn't do because i am lazy or not willing to put in the hardwork but for other things like reading, which i really loved, because i was constantly thinking about this job, i stopped reading because of which i couldn't even write. And I have always wanted to go to Jashn-e- rekhta, but i didn't go there, because I never thought that I could do it, it's partly my nature for not taking risks and most importantly i didn't believe in me. and today i saw a post of a girl, she is a dreamer, and she is living my dream life. she is strong, intelligent opionated girl, but i was one of those people in college who thought that she was making a fool of herself. but she was the main character in her life and i wasn't even a side character in mine. she was there at that event, and i realized that she is actually living the life that i always wanted to live. maybe not in exact terms, but what i see from her social media presense and knowing her just a teeny tiny bit from college. i don't know what i am doing with these golden years of my life. I really don't know. I am concentrating on the things which should be temporary. Bro i just hope that i dont' forget what i am feeling in just a few minutes, i need this feeling to stay with me forever. The feeling i mean is the one where i get a reality check and not take stress about things which should not matter but things which matter.

Like this job, this is something that i didn't even want in the first place, and i am stressing my life over it. My health is taking a toll and this time i am serious, i get all panicky and my stomach and abdomen starts aching, my head starts aching and i feel miserable as if my llife is over. but it is not, its upto me when it will be over. So, for something that i didn't even want in the first place, i worried so much that i got myself a year behind.

How to not long for love?

How can someone not long for love, when everything around them is about love? I many times think that I am wasting my time and energy I'm waiting for someone dreamy, someone who would be a face to my imaginary perfect soulmate, and that now I should stop thinking about finding him at every moment of my life. That maybe stop trying to find is the way to find. But how to stop when every song, sher, nazm, movie, book, post talks about that pure emotion.

How not to think yourself in those cute, romantic situations? How to tell oneself that we might not be eligible for it?

And personally, i am not a very big fan of real love stories because it feels impure and adulterated, but how not to die for these lines "sajaunga lut kar bhi uske badan ki daali ko, lahu jigar ka dunga hothon ki laali ko", or "abhi to kuch kaha nhi, abhi to kuch suna nhi, abhi na jao chhod kar, k dil abhi bhara nhi, or "tumhare bina koi dilkash nazara hum na dekhenge, tumhe manzoor nhi usko dobara hum na dekhenge" and plenty more which my overwhelmed blank mind can't recollect at all.