nobody cares

 I was depressed, sad, frustrated, not being able to breathe, confused, nauseated, unhappy to my core, tired, sleepy, and wanted to escape (not knowing from what and to where) and I opened instagram. I saw people there my college mates, in different states, wherever they may be working, living. Now, i know instagram is not the best way to judge the reality but still, they were happy, atleast in the moment they posted they were happy. and i realized that nobody cares about me. they don't care that i am struggling mentally right now but down the line probably 5 yrs, we both are going to be judged assuming that we both had same life. I will be compared, or I will myself compare and think do i really deserve this, but this additional struggle is making me difficult to even survive. I remember the quote of Kafka, that really explains what I want to say

“I am not well; I could have built the Pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life and reason.” ― Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice‎ Read more quotes from Franz Kafka

is exactly how i feel. And I know that I should start working for me, on me and don't think about others, but I don't have the strength to even think about it.

Life is passing me by and am i gonna let it do that to me

 why do i think that i only have one chance, why do i not believe in life, and why do i everytime let go of something extraordinary (mostly an opportunity, because having a romantic relationship is probably not my destiny) for something that i didn't even want in the first place. I have always wanted to do things my way, but i neveer do. I have been so tense about my job lately that i didn't even realize that i didn't want to do it in the first place. I need to understand that it is not the end of the world. I have been trying a lot of ways or maybe not to cope with the stress and negativity and then today i realized that this is not something i love, and because of this i didn't give time to things i actually love or atleast like. I admit that harmonica and skating and french i didn't do because i am lazy or not willing to put in the hardwork but for other things like reading, which i really loved, because i was constantly thinking about this job, i stopped reading because of which i couldn't even write. And I have always wanted to go to Jashn-e- rekhta, but i didn't go there, because I never thought that I could do it, it's partly my nature for not taking risks and most importantly i didn't believe in me. and today i saw a post of a girl, she is a dreamer, and she is living my dream life. she is strong, intelligent opionated girl, but i was one of those people in college who thought that she was making a fool of herself. but she was the main character in her life and i wasn't even a side character in mine. she was there at that event, and i realized that she is actually living the life that i always wanted to live. maybe not in exact terms, but what i see from her social media presense and knowing her just a teeny tiny bit from college. i don't know what i am doing with these golden years of my life. I really don't know. I am concentrating on the things which should be temporary. Bro i just hope that i dont' forget what i am feeling in just a few minutes, i need this feeling to stay with me forever. The feeling i mean is the one where i get a reality check and not take stress about things which should not matter but things which matter.

Like this job, this is something that i didn't even want in the first place, and i am stressing my life over it. My health is taking a toll and this time i am serious, i get all panicky and my stomach and abdomen starts aching, my head starts aching and i feel miserable as if my llife is over. but it is not, its upto me when it will be over. So, for something that i didn't even want in the first place, i worried so much that i got myself a year behind.

How to not long for love?

How can someone not long for love, when everything around them is about love? I many times think that I am wasting my time and energy I'm waiting for someone dreamy, someone who would be a face to my imaginary perfect soulmate, and that now I should stop thinking about finding him at every moment of my life. That maybe stop trying to find is the way to find. But how to stop when every song, sher, nazm, movie, book, post talks about that pure emotion.

How not to think yourself in those cute, romantic situations? How to tell oneself that we might not be eligible for it?

And personally, i am not a very big fan of real love stories because it feels impure and adulterated, but how not to die for these lines "sajaunga lut kar bhi uske badan ki daali ko, lahu jigar ka dunga hothon ki laali ko", or "abhi to kuch kaha nhi, abhi to kuch suna nhi, abhi na jao chhod kar, k dil abhi bhara nhi, or "tumhare bina koi dilkash nazara hum na dekhenge, tumhe manzoor nhi usko dobara hum na dekhenge" and plenty more which my overwhelmed blank mind can't recollect at all.

Writer

 I met life last night. I met an alive girl in a party full of living people. She was the epitome of energy. She made me stay at a party where wasn't even supposed to be at the first place. Suddenly I got out of my memories of last night as I bumped into someone. A girl or another one of those robots, who was probably late for their work, but somehow she seemed familiar. When she saw me, i could see a glimpse of recognition for a millisecond and book it was gone, they were cold dead eyes. But did I know her, or was i just thinking too much. Because i was also just another dead alive person. 

Self criticism

I feel no matter how much I try to be positive, to think that it doesn't matter what I think, I realize that every time I do something, I think how it would make me look cook in front of a few people and then how they will think, 'Oh, she is really living an awesome life."

I want to change it. But every time I reach a solution, something doesn't work and the goal still feels as unreachable as it was before. And then suddenly I am the one seeing other people living their awesome lives and think "Oh, they are really having a lot of fun."

This is probably the best phase of a relationship

9/11/22

How it must feel when someone travels great distance just to meet you. Just for your birthday. It's my friends birthday today and I called her at midnight pretty sure that her phone must be engaged as her boyfriend had probably called her to wish first. But when I called she picked up and said that her boyfriend is there preparing a surprise. I felt really happy for her but there was a kind of self pity right there also, because i am pretty sure nobody would ever do that for me. I don't think i am made for love. I am too annoying for it.

9/13/22

Yesterday I was listening to a beautiful song and I just realised that probably this is the best part of my love relationships. Being single before my first relationship. Because I get to listen to all the beautiful love Stories, songs, couplets without any bitter feeling because I have not experienced heartbreak yet. Now my potential love life is full of possibilities. He could be anybody. I think after being with someone it won't be the same. I will feel trapped, now anybody can be mine.

Diaries of a Broken Person

Mariha was sitting on her bed, thinking, or more appropriately overthinking. She thought even after having so many thoughts, why isn't she able to make sense of any of them? Why it is so difficult to actually start working towards them. Why does she feel so burdened and tired?

Why do I want to write about myself as a third person? Another person because that is exhausting. I didn't even to write anymore. So, now I am not going to pretend like a third person. I am the main character of my life, and what I am even afraid of, People reading about this, let them read and let them also know what I think about them.