Self criticism

I feel no matter how much I try to be positive, to think that it doesn't matter what I think, I realize that every time I do something, I think how it would make me look cook in front of a few people and then how they will think, 'Oh, she is really living an awesome life."

I want to change it. But every time I reach a solution, something doesn't work and the goal still feels as unreachable as it was before. And then suddenly I am the one seeing other people living their awesome lives and think "Oh, they are really having a lot of fun."