Writer

 I met life last night. I met an alive girl in a party full of living people. She was the epitome of energy. She made me stay at a party where wasn't even supposed to be at the first place. Suddenly I got out of my memories of last night as I bumped into someone. A girl or another one of those robots, who was probably late for their work, but somehow she seemed familiar. When she saw me, i could see a glimpse of recognition for a millisecond and book it was gone, they were cold dead eyes. But did I know her, or was i just thinking too much. Because i was also just another dead alive person. 

Self criticism

I feel no matter how much I try to be positive, to think that it doesn't matter what I think, I realize that every time I do something, I think how it would make me look cook in front of a few people and then how they will think, 'Oh, she is really living an awesome life."

I want to change it. But every time I reach a solution, something doesn't work and the goal still feels as unreachable as it was before. And then suddenly I am the one seeing other people living their awesome lives and think "Oh, they are really having a lot of fun."

This is probably the best phase of a relationship

9/11/22

How it must feel when someone travels great distance just to meet you. Just for your birthday. It's my friends birthday today and I called her at midnight pretty sure that her phone must be engaged as her boyfriend had probably called her to wish first. But when I called she picked up and said that her boyfriend is there preparing a surprise. I felt really happy for her but there was a kind of self pity right there also, because i am pretty sure nobody would ever do that for me. I don't think i am made for love. I am too annoying for it.

9/13/22

Yesterday I was listening to a beautiful song and I just realised that probably this is the best part of my love relationships. Being single before my first relationship. Because I get to listen to all the beautiful love Stories, songs, couplets without any bitter feeling because I have not experienced heartbreak yet. Now my potential love life is full of possibilities. He could be anybody. I think after being with someone it won't be the same. I will feel trapped, now anybody can be mine.

Diaries of a Broken Person

Mariha was sitting on her bed, thinking, or more appropriately overthinking. She thought even after having so many thoughts, why isn't she able to make sense of any of them? Why it is so difficult to actually start working towards them. Why does she feel so burdened and tired?

Why do I want to write about myself as a third person? Another person because that is exhausting. I didn't even to write anymore. So, now I am not going to pretend like a third person. I am the main character of my life, and what I am even afraid of, People reading about this, let them read and let them also know what I think about them.

Eyes

 Today I realized that most alive part of pictures are the eyes. Even though the whole picture is still, not moving, but the eyes gives the images property that the person is a living being not a statue. Because non living eyes are staring in the emptiness, they don't look at the camera, they don't shine when smiling, they are dead eyes. I realized this because I saw a picture of myself. It was a picture that was taken without my notice. It was from the side of my prosthetic eye and I looked at the eye it was dead, looking at nowhere. It was an ugly picture, I hated myself in it.

I want to tell people to not take my pictures. I can't. Because if I will they will think I am too proud or arrogant. And if i tell them the reason, they will say cringy shit like, "oh no you are so beautiful", I know you don't mean it, and that makes even more cringier.

First midsleep anxiety attack

 17 nov 2021

Today i experienced my first anxiety attack while i was sleeping. I am aware that i have severe anxiety, and it really make me feel like shit. I have experienced anxiety after just waking up, in the afternoon, early afternoon, evening and before sleeping. I have experienced not being able to sleep due to it. But it never happened that after i slept, I had to wake up because of it. 

a few days ago, i read an instagram post which said "to the people who sleep peacefully through the night without having anxiety attack, how does it feel like to be god's favourite people", and i thought "oh, i also have not experienced this, but it still doesn't feel like i am god's favourite" BUT now i know.

It is worse, because i was having a dream, and maybe i was in semi dream mode and suddenly my rational mind reminded me of a thought and I got this weird nauseating feeling. I went to the bathroom, i was sitting on toilet and i could hear my heart beating so fast, i feared it would explode. my hands and feet were like i won't be able to move. trust me it was really a bad feeling. I went to bed took a sip of water, told myself to try to go back to sleep, because i can't do anything right now, that i will think about it when i wake.

And eventually after doing a whole therapy session with myself i got some on off sleep. i hope it don't happen to anybody else.

Early morning stress musings

 I know there are people out there who are hundred thousand times more stronger than me, I mean emotionally. People who have suffered more than me and are still living with a happy spirit. And here I am trying not to breathe thinking something bad might happen. I realized that my life is a series of regrets. Regret of school, regret of college and the way i am currently living it will be a regret for tomorrow.