Weird Dream

 Okay, so before starting the description of the dream, it is really important the I tell you that I have monocle vision i.e I can only see from my right eye and my left eye is prosthetic. So, recently I gathered the courage to learn to take it out and put back in from my doctor so that I would be able to clean it every month but I couldn't do it alone. And then I dreamt this, that I took the prosthetic out but inside there was my original eye, not in normal position, like it had it's own mind and squishy and was trying to look through the prosthetic. It was really weird.

Why is life so fcuking complicated??

 Why the hell is life so freaking complicated. I know what I am about to say is really a fairy tale, maybe not even that because it also has a bad person, maybe my idea of ideal world. I think of this earth as one house with no money at all and no power, I think that we all live like humans for once and not robots. And all the resources are equally distributed, everybody take turns doing the shittiest jobs, as well as the pleasant ones. Each person on this earth is sleeping with their belly full. Even while writing this, I know it is dumb, like a 4 year old would think but that is just an idea, however impossible.

Now coming to complications of life...Let's say that you don't have an interest in the field you are studying, and you are miserable. Simple life would consider all the given parameters and leave that course in search of the one that interests you. But we add complications to it, by adding parameters like what would other people say, I need to live a secure life and this will provide me with it etc. etc.

It is everywhere, like when you have an exam, simple answer is go study, but is it that simple?

No, freaking noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Diary Entry

 You know how people talk about 2 am conversations or 2 am songs, I have never related to that. I see people in movies sneaking out of their homes in the middle of the night and just spending time with themselves staring at the stars. And it looks so beautiful, I have never even been awake at night even when I don't want to sleep. It overwhelms me. Whenever I try to do these things, you know like just not sleeping and watching a movie, eating a late night snack when other people are sleeping I get nervous and my body starts to react in a way like when you get nervous on stage. I really want to experience this thing, breaking the routine and just being alive for sometime.

Diary Entry

 Okay, so i was perfectly neutral until now. I wasn't gonna write anything today, because what can you write when you are feeling neutral. But now I am feeling more towards the regret side on the scale of feelings. Actually i talk a lot, i mean i can't control it and instantly regret after saying some things. And that is what just happened. I talked a lot and said some things which i didn't want to say and now i am regretting it. And it is quite amusing, that i started talking about someone, saying that i didn't wanna talk about that someone. I hate this habit of mine. I really should stop talking unnecessarily. 

I wanted to write a quote about it i didn't know any so i googled and these are quite nice

Have more than you show.

Speak less than you know.

                    - William Shakespeare

Speak only when you feel your words are better than the silence.

                                                                                                    -Buddha

Diary entry

 You know it is freaking hard not to be sad after your friends don't trust you. So yeah, it is not a big deal really but,  "I don't feel so good, Mr. Stark.". 

Last semester I got a few marks more than my "FRIENDS", like 3-4 marks and now they think that I write something different. They don't trust me. Two of them called me while the exam was going on to say that I send them my answer sheet as I am writing the answer. It's just that I present the answer in a good way and they don't, that is the only reason and I felt so bad that how can they be like this. I help them as much i can but they will never trust me. I know if i will get less marks than them they will never care...

I should not care about such stupid things. 

Diary entry

Okay, so from tomorrow I have my exams and guess what I HAVE NOT STUDIED A THING. They are online and every time I sit to study, my mind just tells me to stop because there is no need to study. I mean I am in a constant dilemma. TO STUDY OR NOT TO STUDY, that is the question. I have been binge watching The big bang theory, ironically it is a show where 5 out of 6 main characters holds doctorates and degrees in engineering and the remaining one doesn't need it because she is pretty, and I feel more guilty. 

Diary entry

I woke up today and I felt like I have something very important to do, like I just slept in the middle of doing something and now I am late. Then I just told myself that it is not true, it is okay but it sure did not feel like it. My days have been like this lately and I am sick and tired of it. Then I did one thing which made me cry, I went on instagram and watched the profiles of people who are enjoying their life and made myself feel like shit and then I actually cried. I am feeling too low and lethargic and I don't want to kill myself, I want to live, I want to ACTUALLY feel alive and not just go through the days. I am too afraid to try new things, to get hurt.

On my birthday, I promised myself that I will change but I haven't and this freaking OCD is taking a toll on me. And the worst part is that I KNOW that I CAN CONTROL IT. And I hate myself even more because it seems like I don't want to, you know, that I like when I torture myself like this. 

I think the worst part is that I know I am worth nothing, so I don't even try.