Eyes

 Today I realized that most alive part of pictures are the eyes. Even though the whole picture is still, not moving, but the eyes gives the images property that the person is a living being not a statue. Because non living eyes are staring in the emptiness, they don't look at the camera, they don't shine when smiling, they are dead eyes. I realized this because I saw a picture of myself. It was a picture that was taken without my notice. It was from the side of my prosthetic eye and I looked at the eye it was dead, looking at nowhere. It was an ugly picture, I hated myself in it.

I want to tell people to not take my pictures. I can't. Because if I will they will think I am too proud or arrogant. And if i tell them the reason, they will say cringy shit like, "oh no you are so beautiful", I know you don't mean it, and that makes even more cringier.

First midsleep anxiety attack

 17 nov 2021

Today i experienced my first anxiety attack while i was sleeping. I am aware that i have severe anxiety, and it really make me feel like shit. I have experienced anxiety after just waking up, in the afternoon, early afternoon, evening and before sleeping. I have experienced not being able to sleep due to it. But it never happened that after i slept, I had to wake up because of it. 

a few days ago, i read an instagram post which said "to the people who sleep peacefully through the night without having anxiety attack, how does it feel like to be god's favourite people", and i thought "oh, i also have not experienced this, but it still doesn't feel like i am god's favourite" BUT now i know.

It is worse, because i was having a dream, and maybe i was in semi dream mode and suddenly my rational mind reminded me of a thought and I got this weird nauseating feeling. I went to the bathroom, i was sitting on toilet and i could hear my heart beating so fast, i feared it would explode. my hands and feet were like i won't be able to move. trust me it was really a bad feeling. I went to bed took a sip of water, told myself to try to go back to sleep, because i can't do anything right now, that i will think about it when i wake.

And eventually after doing a whole therapy session with myself i got some on off sleep. i hope it don't happen to anybody else.

Early morning stress musings

 I know there are people out there who are hundred thousand times more stronger than me, I mean emotionally. People who have suffered more than me and are still living with a happy spirit. And here I am trying not to breathe thinking something bad might happen. I realized that my life is a series of regrets. Regret of school, regret of college and the way i am currently living it will be a regret for tomorrow.