Today i behaved in a way i thought i will not behave. I felt sad and crying. I got irritated by questions such as why are you so quiet or sad or irritated? Because i did not want to answer those questions. And to be honest i did not understand myself. But then i got a little closer to the answers. I had expectations and that was the problem. Expectations of being a friend who cannot be replaced, or a friend who is enough. Then i realized that earlier i did not have those expectations. It was all detachment. I did not care if somebody tells me something or not, if they are keeping a secret from me, even in front of me. I did not care. I was okay with what i was doing. I was doing my work and if somebody told that was okay. But now i have started caring. Earlier i did not feel entitled, now i do not like when my friends treat me a little like i am replaceable, that ofcourse they have other options. I am feeling bad because I feel i am not enough or important enough. I am nobody’s priority. Literally nobody’s. Not for the people/project i work for. Not for my friends. Not for my family. And that is probably the reason of me feeling low. I need to stop expecting and stop giving selflessly. I think i was irritated also because i realised i help my friends a lot. I am feeling taken for granted.

 Today was my managers last day and we went to dinner. We were thinking of ordering and i said my friend will order for me because he is a vegetarian. So i thought since we are here in a group we would be ordering dishes that can be shared everybody just like everytime. So i was chill. But he ordered something that was not a shareable dish and i dont have any problem with that but then gave order snd forgot me. And this was not a big deal. No big deal at all.  Really my logical mind is saying that this really okay. But i dont know why i felt like crying. Tears were just on the verge on the coming and i dont know how i just kept myself together. I am alone. I dont have anybody to talk to when i come home nobody to share anything. And that just hit me so hard that nobody is thinking about me. But i will never tell this to anyone as i dont like conflicts i am afraid i will lose and wont be able to live with myself.