Today i behaved in a way i thought i will not behave. I felt sad and crying. I got irritated by questions such as why are you so quiet or sad or irritated? Because i did not want to answer those questions. And to be honest i did not understand myself. But then i got a little closer to the answers. I had expectations and that was the problem. Expectations of being a friend who cannot be replaced, or a friend who is enough. Then i realized that earlier i did not have those expectations. It was all detachment. I did not care if somebody tells me something or not, if they are keeping a secret from me, even in front of me. I did not care. I was okay with what i was doing. I was doing my work and if somebody told that was okay. But now i have started caring. Earlier i did not feel entitled, now i do not like when my friends treat me a little like i am replaceable, that ofcourse they have other options. I am feeling bad because I feel i am not enough or important enough. I am nobody’s priority. Literally nobody’s. Not for the people/project i work for. Not for my friends. Not for my family. And that is probably the reason of me feeling low. I need to stop expecting and stop giving selflessly. I think i was irritated also because i realised i help my friends a lot. I am feeling taken for granted.

 Today was my managers last day and we went to dinner. We were thinking of ordering and i said my friend will order for me because he is a vegetarian. So i thought since we are here in a group we would be ordering dishes that can be shared everybody just like everytime. So i was chill. But he ordered something that was not a shareable dish and i dont have any problem with that but then gave order snd forgot me. And this was not a big deal. No big deal at all.  Really my logical mind is saying that this really okay. But i dont know why i felt like crying. Tears were just on the verge on the coming and i dont know how i just kept myself together. I am alone. I dont have anybody to talk to when i come home nobody to share anything. And that just hit me so hard that nobody is thinking about me. But i will never tell this to anyone as i dont like conflicts i am afraid i will lose and wont be able to live with myself.

Is there something wring with me? There is something wrong with me. Why can’t anybody like me? Why can’t i like anybody. It is different when you and your friends are single, but when you see everyone finding someone except, you think there must be something wrong with me.  Am i not beautiful enough? Intelligent enough? Kind enough? I don’t think I am enough. Love.

Why is everything about love. Poems books music films stories everywhere people are in love.

Proud of myself

 I am proud of myself. Today I completed 21 days of yoga practice. I did yoga consistently for 21 days. I am so proud of myself and when I look back I really feel it to be a goal that is deserving of pride. I hope to continue doing this.

I hate myself right now

 i hate myself right now. i feel like i am nothing. there are no values. i am a food waster. a few months back, i didn't waste food, i ate what i put in my plate, now i don't eat all in my plate, i don't like it. i hate myself even more because i don't want to be that and i try but i am not able to. i feel helpless. i hate myself because i still can't love myself, i can't accept myself. i feel complex for my height. i feel the guilt of not being able to play cricket. i took part in noth cricket league, i don't know how to play. i can't even ask god to help me, because i am a food waster, and he/she does not like people who waste food. i hate myself, because i am not fit enough, or beautiful enough, i am not a good daughter. i feel so bad, when i see other people my mom's age or even older living a happy life, while she is struggling with arthritis, she don't deserve this. and i can't even do anything to help her. i could go home and help her but that would fuck my mental health and then she and i both would be miserable. i hate myself because i feel i have things in control, but in reality i don't have anything under my control, i just pretend, even when something slightly goes off track, i get messed up, my mental health to my physical health. i am not god's favorite child, that i know, and i don't know how to finish this sentence. i think i will go tomorrow to play the second day of the match and maybe i will play also, and how bad can i be right, i think a lot bad, but its okay, if i won't go i will know something happening is happening out there and i am not part of it. i am just so confused. i should talk positive to me. I will go tomorrow and i will give my best. God is with me. I will go and have fun tomorrow.

today is sunday

 Today is sunday and i want to write. but as usual i don't know what i should write about. things that i want to improve, i 

 I am hurting, and i am made to believe that it is unreasonable, but i am just hurting a lot, a lot. i am crying, it takes only one day for my family to break me. i feel the loss of a father even after him being alive. i don't feel he is there for me. i don't feel a protection of a father.