Today was my managers last day and we went to dinner. We were thinking of ordering and i said my friend will order for me because he is a vegetarian. So i thought since we are here in a group we would be ordering dishes that can be shared everybody just like everytime. So i was chill. But he ordered something that was not a shareable dish and i dont have any problem with that but then gave order snd forgot me. And this was not a big deal. No big deal at all.  Really my logical mind is saying that this really okay. But i dont know why i felt like crying. Tears were just on the verge on the coming and i dont know how i just kept myself together. I am alone. I dont have anybody to talk to when i come home nobody to share anything. And that just hit me so hard that nobody is thinking about me. But i will never tell this to anyone as i dont like conflicts i am afraid i will lose and wont be able to live with myself.

Is there something wring with me? There is something wrong with me. Why can’t anybody like me? Why can’t i like anybody. It is different when you and your friends are single, but when you see everyone finding someone except, you think there must be something wrong with me.  Am i not beautiful enough? Intelligent enough? Kind enough? I don’t think I am enough. Love.

Why is everything about love. Poems books music films stories everywhere people are in love.

Proud of myself

 I am proud of myself. Today I completed 21 days of yoga practice. I did yoga consistently for 21 days. I am so proud of myself and when I look back I really feel it to be a goal that is deserving of pride. I hope to continue doing this.

I hate myself right now

 i hate myself right now. i feel like i am nothing. there are no values. i am a food waster. a few months back, i didn't waste food, i ate what i put in my plate, now i don't eat all in my plate, i don't like it. i hate myself even more because i don't want to be that and i try but i am not able to. i feel helpless. i hate myself because i still can't love myself, i can't accept myself. i feel complex for my height. i feel the guilt of not being able to play cricket. i took part in noth cricket league, i don't know how to play. i can't even ask god to help me, because i am a food waster, and he/she does not like people who waste food. i hate myself, because i am not fit enough, or beautiful enough, i am not a good daughter. i feel so bad, when i see other people my mom's age or even older living a happy life, while she is struggling with arthritis, she don't deserve this. and i can't even do anything to help her. i could go home and help her but that would fuck my mental health and then she and i both would be miserable. i hate myself because i feel i have things in control, but in reality i don't have anything under my control, i just pretend, even when something slightly goes off track, i get messed up, my mental health to my physical health. i am not god's favorite child, that i know, and i don't know how to finish this sentence. i think i will go tomorrow to play the second day of the match and maybe i will play also, and how bad can i be right, i think a lot bad, but its okay, if i won't go i will know something happening is happening out there and i am not part of it. i am just so confused. i should talk positive to me. I will go tomorrow and i will give my best. God is with me. I will go and have fun tomorrow.

today is sunday

 Today is sunday and i want to write. but as usual i don't know what i should write about. things that i want to improve, i 

 I am hurting, and i am made to believe that it is unreasonable, but i am just hurting a lot, a lot. i am crying, it takes only one day for my family to break me. i feel the loss of a father even after him being alive. i don't feel he is there for me. i don't feel a protection of a father.

partner i don't want

 when someone asks me what kind of boys i like, or what is my "type", i genuinely don't have an answer, because all the boys that i have been attracted to ever, "mostly fictional" were random, like you just like them and they may necessarily not be the same. but of course there are some types of boys or personalities which i wouldn't want as my partner. and one of them i realised today.

so i was reading "and the mountains echoed" by "khaled hosseini", and there is a character in it, called "idris", so he fled afghanistan when he was 14, due to wars and got settled in us. and after 20 or so, he came back to afghanistan with his cousin "timur" to reclaim their house. i thought he had an inferiority complex from timur. in afghanistan, he visits a hospital where there is a little girl "roshi", with serious injury on her head, her uncle hit her with an axe, so he visits her daily while he is there and roshi also gets so attached to him. while leaving he promised her and the nurse "amra", that he would get the operations she needs to be done, even if he has to pay from his pocket, but he is a weak man. after he goes back, he slowly gets back to his old life, he at first talks to his chief about roshi, and replies to amra's emails, but then when the chief refuses to help, he is relieved and then he deletes amra's emails even without reading. so after a few years, he is in a bookstore, holding a book, written by roshi with her picture he thinks that she looks normal without any sign of injury, but more than that he is afraid that she must have mentioned him in his book and all his family and social circle will know what he did to her, how he abandoned her. and at the book signing, she wrote "don't worry, you are not in it", and he just leaves the book there.

so i don't want a weak man in my life, who can't keep his promises, who is a coward and a hypocrite.