i hate myself right now. i feel like i am nothing. there are no values. i am a food waster. a few months back, i didn't waste food, i ate what i put in my plate, now i don't eat all in my plate, i don't like it. i hate myself even more because i don't want to be that and i try but i am not able to. i feel helpless. i hate myself because i still can't love myself, i can't accept myself. i feel complex for my height. i feel the guilt of not being able to play cricket. i took part in noth cricket league, i don't know how to play. i can't even ask god to help me, because i am a food waster, and he/she does not like people who waste food. i hate myself, because i am not fit enough, or beautiful enough, i am not a good daughter. i feel so bad, when i see other people my mom's age or even older living a happy life, while she is struggling with arthritis, she don't deserve this. and i can't even do anything to help her. i could go home and help her but that would fuck my mental health and then she and i both would be miserable. i hate myself because i feel i have things in control, but in reality i don't have anything under my control, i just pretend, even when something slightly goes off track, i get messed up, my mental health to my physical health. i am not god's favorite child, that i know, and i don't know how to finish this sentence. i think i will go tomorrow to play the second day of the match and maybe i will play also, and how bad can i be right, i think a lot bad, but its okay, if i won't go i will know something happening is happening out there and i am not part of it. i am just so confused. i should talk positive to me. I will go tomorrow and i will give my best. God is with me. I will go and have fun tomorrow.
