I am hurting, and i am made to believe that it is unreasonable, but i am just hurting a lot, a lot. i am crying, it takes only one day for my family to break me. i feel the loss of a father even after him being alive. i don't feel he is there for me. i don't feel a protection of a father.

partner i don't want

 when someone asks me what kind of boys i like, or what is my "type", i genuinely don't have an answer, because all the boys that i have been attracted to ever, "mostly fictional" were random, like you just like them and they may necessarily not be the same. but of course there are some types of boys or personalities which i wouldn't want as my partner. and one of them i realised today.

so i was reading "and the mountains echoed" by "khaled hosseini", and there is a character in it, called "idris", so he fled afghanistan when he was 14, due to wars and got settled in us. and after 20 or so, he came back to afghanistan with his cousin "timur" to reclaim their house. i thought he had an inferiority complex from timur. in afghanistan, he visits a hospital where there is a little girl "roshi", with serious injury on her head, her uncle hit her with an axe, so he visits her daily while he is there and roshi also gets so attached to him. while leaving he promised her and the nurse "amra", that he would get the operations she needs to be done, even if he has to pay from his pocket, but he is a weak man. after he goes back, he slowly gets back to his old life, he at first talks to his chief about roshi, and replies to amra's emails, but then when the chief refuses to help, he is relieved and then he deletes amra's emails even without reading. so after a few years, he is in a bookstore, holding a book, written by roshi with her picture he thinks that she looks normal without any sign of injury, but more than that he is afraid that she must have mentioned him in his book and all his family and social circle will know what he did to her, how he abandoned her. and at the book signing, she wrote "don't worry, you are not in it", and he just leaves the book there.

so i don't want a weak man in my life, who can't keep his promises, who is a coward and a hypocrite.